


To Die Would Be An Awfully Big Adventure

by CursedbyPhan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, Panic Attacks, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-08-09 13:56:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7804462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CursedbyPhan/pseuds/CursedbyPhan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Y/N is prone to violent panic attacks and dropped the bomb two months ago to the phans that she’s dating Dan. The extreme hate mail she receives afterwards drives her to suicide while Dan is out with Phil hosting a BBC event. Dan finds her in their bedroom covered in blood. Will she survive?</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Die Would Be An Awfully Big Adventure

I felt like I couldn't breathe – like the whole world was crashing down around me. My chest felt like it was concaving and my stomach felt weightless yet nauseously sick and twisting at the same time. This was possibly the worst panic attack I've had since Dan and I told our fans about our relationship two months ago. I was his girlfriend for almost a year by that point, but I had been his friend for almost five years before that. He was the one who changed my life by convincing me to start Youtube. I had just been one of Phil's college friends until he introduced me to Dan. We became almost inseparable immediately. Both of them knew about my panic attack issues and that I have even tried to hurt myself on occasion, so whenever I'm extremely stressed they tend to keep a closer eye on me. I don't mind at all, in fact it's probably better that way. I can only imagine the state I'd be in if I lived alone. Yet, even though they try to be of help and watch me, I still end up in this state.

Dan and Phil have been so busy launching a new segment on their radio show and getting ready for a BBC event they're hosting, that they've been ignoring me a lot more lately. This, of course, is horrible timing considering Dan and I just dropped the dating bomb on all the phan girls. Let's just say that the phans did not take the news too well, which is what's currently causing my most recent panic attack. I'm so scared I don't feel safe anymore. The hate mail doesn't seem like nasty comments by jealous people anymore but truth the more I'm buried underneath it. The mail started to come into my personal accounts that I thought the fans would never find like my facebook and email. I even started to get death threats in the mail at our apartment. I've been hiding everything from Dan and Phil. I don't want them to know how their fans are acting. They give so much to their fans and they'd be heartbroken to know what's happening.

Another wave of my panic attack hits me and I crumple over. I feel myself starting to fall deeper in the void as my face becomes wet with tears and the voices start up. Dan and Phil left you. No. If they cared about you then they would have said something to the fans. No, they can't know. It would break them. Dan doesn't love you. Shut up. Well if he did then why did he leave you at home while he's at the BBC event? Shut up! It was my choice. He's happy you're gone. You always hold him back. That's why the phans don't like you. Dan and Phil are called Phan for a reason. They don't need you. He's never needed you. SHUT UP! You're pathetic. You really thought he'd choose you? He's practically acted like you didn't exist ever since you've come out to the phans. You're delusional. You're just using him. Everyone knows it. You're a leech and you're sucking the happiness out of his life. Look at what you've done. You made his phans hate him. You just drag others down. You shouldn't even be here. You're a mistake. He doesn't like wastes of space like you. You're useless to him. Just end it. What? Just end it. He'll be able to go back to his life and everyone will love him again. He'll be accepted and you won't burden him. Just let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go.

My thoughts were no longer steady as I shakily picked myself up. I had gone so deep into the void this time I was swallowed by it; my consciousness no longer present as I trudged down the hallway. I wasn't even aware that I had trashed the apartment while I was fighting myself in my head. I wouldn't be a burden anymore. He wouldn't have to pity me. This could end. This would end. I stopped in the bathroom and set my razor on the ground before crushing it under the metal trashcan in the bathroom. Lifting the can, I picked up a razor blade from the mess and walked into Dan and mine's room. I didn't want to do this on the cold floor. I'd rather be wrapped in the smell of Dan to comfort me over to the other side. I took a scratch piece of paper and wrote a quick note to Dan telling him I loved him and this was neither of their faults. I shakily lie on top of the bed and put the song "Your Guardian Angel" by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus on repeat on my phone.

I set the blade to my skin and started to feel the white hot pain up my arms as I dragged it through the layers of my skin. Tears streamed down my face, but it was too late to go back. I laid on the bed ignoring the searing pain and engrossed myself into the song. Soon the pain numbed and I could almost feel the blood pouring out of my arms dragging my life force with it. It vaguely reminded me of when I got my blood drawn for donation and I got sick and feverish as it happened. It didn't hurt so much this time as it did then. Maybe it's because I was at peace with myself now. I slowly closed my eyes as my vision started to blur slightly and tried to let go.

* * *

Dan and Phil were riding a taxi back from their BBC event and were almost home. They were both completely worn out after keeping smiles on their faces for almost six hours and answering awkward questions for interviewers. Dan sunk down in his seat more and groaned from pure exhaustion.

"You okay there, Dan?" Phil raised one eyebrow.

"Remind me not to socialize again. Ever," Dan groaned hitting his head on the window.

Phil just laughed at his ridiculous best friend, "I'll try, but no promises."

Dan chuckled a little before his face got serious, "Hey, Phil?"

"Yeah?" Phil looked over.

"Do you think Y/N is okay? She's been acting different for awhile now. I haven't brought it up since we've been so busy," Dan furrowed his eyebrows together.

"I'm sure she's fine Dan. I think she's just trying to adjust after you two dropped the bomb on the phans. I'm sure she's probably just getting mixed signals from phans and is trying to please both sides. You know how she is. She basically wants everyone to be happy and in the process she forgets to make herself happy," Phil reassuringly smiled at Dan.

"You're probably right. I just have this horrible gut feeling I can't get rid of. Something about her just seems off lately," Dan sighed.

"Well don't let it get to you too much. She's a big girl, Dan. You can trust her. Besides, we're here at the house now so you can go cuddle up with her and, you know, make up. Don't worry about me, I got those noise cancelling headphones after last time," Phil winked at Dan as he got out of the taxi and paid the driver.

"PHIL! You can't just say that! Jesus! You're so embarrassing sometimes!" Dan huffed his face burning, "Come on. Let's not keep her waiting. I'm sure she stayed up for us."

When Dan and Phil stepped into the apartment they were not mentally prepared for what they saw. The apartment was trashed and Dan's sunken gut feeling became deeper as they stood paralyzed at the door. A million thoughts ran through their minds. Was there a break in? Did things get stolen? Is Y/N here? Why didn't she call? Is she hurt? Did she have another episode?

That last thought broke Dan into action. He started running through the apartment with Phil close on his tail as he yelled for Y/N. Dan was starting to become more panicked as it took longer and longer to find her. "Phil, what could have happened to her? What if someone broke in and took her? Oh, God it would be all my fault! I knew something happened. I-"

"Dan! We don't know what happened okay? We still haven't checked our rooms. She might be hiding in there. Come on!" Phil grabbed Dan's wrist and yanked him forwards, "I'll check my room."

Dan watched Phil go into his room and went to open his door, "Okay I'll check-"

Dan didn't know what happened after that. One minute he was looking at his bed and the next he was screaming clutching himself on the ground. Phil burst into the room almost tripping over Dan, "DAN! What's happen-"

And that's when he saw the bed. Blood, that's the first thing his mind registered. The next thing he saw was Y/N, gracefully splayed out on the bed lying in her own blood coming out from the jagged gashes on her arms. Phil was paralyzed as he stared at the gruesome scene in front of him. Dan's moved to the bed wailing her name as he cupped her cheek trying to wake her up. For once in his life, Phil had no idea what to do until Dan looked at him and screamed, "PHIL! Call an ambulance! PHIL! NOW!" Phil snapped back into reality and rushed to take his phone out of his pocket almost dropping it.

"Baby! Baby please. Y/N, please. Oh, dear God, please wake up! You can't leave me here! PLEASE! Don't do this to me! Y/N! Y/N!" Dan was in tears and could hardly talk through his ragged sobbing as he held the bed covers against her arms to try and stop the bleeding, "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Please, I don't want it to end this way. I didn't even get to say goodbye."

"The ambulance is almost here, Dan," Phil sniffled. Phil's gaze then travelled to the note on the bedside table and his knees almost gave out. "Dan," Phil's voice cracked as he open the note and read it, "Y/N wasn't attacked. She had a p-panic attack and c-committed s-s-suicide." Phil fell to his knees and broke down in sobs giving the note to Dan. As Dan read the note, his heart broke. He never wanted Y/N to feel this way.

"Dan?"

Dan's head snapped up his breath caught in his throat, "Oh my God, Y/N. You're going to be okay. I'm – I'm right here, okay? You're safe. You're b-beautiful a-and I l-love you s-s-so m-much. Please don't die on me. You're not worthless. You mean the world to me," Dan sobbed whispering the last of it into Y/N's hair. Y/N took a shaky breath making Dan look into her eyes.

"Dan, it's alright. I don't - I don't feel – anything," Dan could tell Y/N was having trouble breathing and tried to hold back another sob.

Y/N moved her gaze to the right slightly seeing Phil. "Hey, Philly," she whispered.

"Hi," he hoarsely whispered back.

"Please...take care...of Dan, Phil," Y/N struggled.

New tears fell down Phil's face his voice cracking, "I always do."

"Y/N," Dan's voice cracked making her look back at him, "I love you. Please stay. I don't know what I'd do without you"

With what little strength Y/N could muster up, she grabbed Dan's hand whispering, "Daniel, love. It's okay. To die would be an awfully big adventure."

Phil then heard the paramedics burst through the door and ran out to guide them to the room. Dan watched in stunned silence as Y/N closed her eyes and her grip loosened in his hand. She had just quoted Peter Pan to him from the 2003 live action film, her favorite movie, as her last words. The corner of Dan's mouth upturned as he started crying while the paramedics rushed in to take her. He felt Phil grab him and push him out the door to follow the paramedics. It was so Y/N to say that as her last words that he couldn't help but bitterly smile while his heart fell to pieces.

The ride to the hospital and the hours of sitting in the waiting room was things Dan never wanted to experience again in his life. Dan and Phil were now on hour three of waiting and the lack of news was starting to leave a deep sinking feeling in their guts. Dan had already called Y/N's family to deliver the horrid news. They were on vacation in America and wouldn't be able to get back until the next day. He prayed Y/N could last until then. Her heart had already stopped once on the way to the hospital. At the thought of the memory, Dan whimpered and curled up more into Phil making Phil clutch him tighter and whisper it's okay repeatedly.

"Is there a Dan Howell in here?"

Dan's head shot up and his gut tightened so much he thought he'd be sick right then. The doctor saw Dan's head move and walked over to them. Dan uncurled himself from Phil and stood up.

"Dan I presume?"

Dan numbly nodded his head, waiting for the worst news.

"Now I need you to take a deep breath for me, okay? Y/N is going to be fine. She barely pulled through, but she has enough blood and IV in her system that she should be okay. We're going to keep her for observation for a day or so. I would like to highly suggest therapy for her as well. I can give you my recommendation for some good psychiatrists around this area that way episodes like this may be prevented in the future."

Dan felt weak in the knees and almost toppled over from relief. If it wasn't for Phil standing up and putting his hand on his shoulder, he would have been sprawled out on the floor.

"Would you like to see her? You'll have to be quite and make sure not to wake her up," the doctor kindly offered.

Dan was so speechless Phil replied for him, "Yes, please."

They were led down the long white hallway and quietly opened the door stepping inside. Y/N looked so peaceful on the bed almost as if she was dead. Dan's chest tightened at the thought and he had to remind himself that she was alive by listening to her heart monitor beat steadily. He pulled up a chair to her bedside and flopped down into it. He grabbed her hand and lightly brushed his thumb back and forth. He kissed her forehead then leaned down into her ear and whispered, "As long as I'm alive, I'm going to make sure you're loved and you know it."

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to leave comments, questions, and suggestions!~  
> You can find me on Tumblr and Wattpad as CursedbyPhan! ~~


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